Dera’s Sister , Part I

It was very simple.

Every Sunday evening, Dera would come to get me from Ogechi’s house. On our way back she would stop to talk to Sam. I was to wait patiently like the good sister that I was until they were done talking. When she was done she would signal by saying “Ngwa Amaka let’s go” . Just by Issa’s kiosk opposite our house she would buy me sweets. And if anyone was to ask why we took long, I played a little after Dera came to get me.

It was very simple and that was how we had always done it until one fateful day …
This people should do and finish now, I though to myself. I was tired of slapping the mosquitoes that perched on my leg and I was hungry. If I had knew, I would had eaten the rice that Aunty Janet offered me

“Amaka, you no go eat rice”

“Aunty no thank you. I’m not that hungry”

The fact was , I was hungry but I refused the food. Mama was going to make ofe nsala this evening and I needed all the space in my tummy. Even though I wasn’t suppose to eat outside the house, I usually ate at Ogechi’s house. I would eat and pretend like I didn’t but Dera knew. She knew that I ate outside but she never told.

So I here I was , sitting on the pavement watching a group of ants on the wall and slapping mosquitoes that perched on my leg. I usually wondered what they discussed about. What did he tell her that made her smile so wide and be in such a happy mood. After their meetings she hardly got angry at me. She didn’t shout at me if I didn’t mop the bathroom floor after my bath. She didn’t give me mean stares when I spoke while she was speaking . She didn’t send me out when I walked in on her changing .

Even though these moments were short lived, I would willing sit on that pavement for an hour if it meant Dera would be nice to me for a whole day or two.

Dera was seven years my senior and I had come at a time when she didn’t want a toddler following her around. Mama used to make her take me everywhere with her. When she was going to a friend’s house, when she was sent on an errand; I wanted to come along

“Dera nekwa nwanne gi anya , look after your sister” Mama would always tell her

Murmuring she would give me a mean stare and it was left for me to walk fast in order to keep up with her. If we visited any of her friends I was supposed to stay in a corner and mind my business and not disgrace her. I remember one time she took me or was forced to take me along to her friend’s house. They spoke about things I didn’t understand. I know for one thing they don’t like their teachers. That part I understood because I didn’t like my Basic Science teacher too. But I didn’t know why whenever a boy’s name was mentioned one of them would start to smile and sound really funny.  Even though I didn’t enjoy their conversations I still tagged along because I felt it would make Dera like me. And for eight years all I wanted was for Dera to like me.

“Why do I always have to look after her” she would complain sometimes “She can be annoying ”

“Shut up, she’s your small sister or e maro, you don’t know ” Mama would tell her

So if it meant sitting and waiting so Dera would like me, I’ll sit and wait.

“Stop it!.. No!.. Stop it! ”

I looked up to see Dera running towards me.

‘Creator’ 

For those who we can sit down with, open ourselves to old and new things

For those who accept their imperfections and our imperfections 

For those who accept a total stranger from Nigeria with an immense show of love 

For him who is not afraid to speak his truth 

For her who is far from home but building a home 

For teaching a young girl that she too can speak to a spirit 

That one cold night with words accompanied by soothing sounds ,  is what she carries continually with her 

                                      – thank you 

So for my last post ‘Jigida’ I decided to take a few pictures since the ones I found on the internet were : 

1. A little too explicit 

2. Lacked that  ‘je ne sais quoi’ 

So I decided to take pictures myself. 

After my brief ‘photog’ moment, the post picture was chosen and I was left with a couple more. So decided to share them here
So featuring: 

Beads – mine 

Back drop- my mother’s materials that I wished I own and still hope I own

The pictures were taken with a phone camera and some the Snapchat app.

Hope you enjoy them 😊





 




  
                                           – Oge.O ❤️

Hey! 

Happy New Month! 

It’s been over two months since my last post. And well I was waiting still I got that one picture that just said I-still-look-fab-despite-the-shit-I-have-been-through-be-inspired-by-me. But then *throws hands up* …hey.

I was really going to come up with this one inspirational or really deep post, but it seemed my poetic words aren’t just there. I can’t bundle up a whole lot in just few lines this time around. So instead I’ll talk about what has happened this few weeks. 
1. The Big 2.0 ! 

I happen to have left my teen years behind me. No lie whenever it’s almost my birthday, I’m not excited until few hours to the 7th. Instead it’s anxiety, mostly anxiety. Anxious that I’m getting old and I still don’t have things figured out. But thankfully I have friends who can make you smile and give you badass face beat 

2. Conversations I Never Had

There are issues you never want to remember or re visit or conversations you just think “Oh it’s done it’s done, I’ll probably never talk to this person again” . But deep inside you want to talk about it with those certain people about those certain issues. Tired of having those conversations with yourself, displaying those emotions only within you. The scene might never happen, that closure might not happen and you can’t keep living your life in a cycle. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
3. Forgiveness et Regrets 

‘First forgive thyself. Ye can only give what thy hasth ‘ 

I feel that should be a quote somewhere in the Bible or a Shakespear play. I have learnt that some of the burden we carry within ourselves is the burden of unforgiveness . Not only towards other people but to ourselves. I can’t give what I don’t have. I can’t forgive you if I can’t forgive myself. 


I have decided to life by this. Or try to at least.

Most things I felt really useless or guilty for actually did make me smile, one way or the other and many times! So why should I regret my various moments of happiness even though some of them were short lived? 

So instead choose not to regret your happiness.
4. Mental Illness 

So sometime in November, my class went on a one week trip to the Neuropsychiatric Hospital at Abeokuta, or like we call it Aro. Through out that week we had classes and Ward Rounds. I bet you three years of psychology classes didn’t prepare most of us for saw. And no we didn’t see people tied up with chains, uncombed hair and laughing hysterically. No that is not just mental illness is all about. Its mostly people walking around , attending therapy sessions, take their medications, a few relapses, playing football. People my age, parents , people younger than me. People who have just literally started achieving things , people who have achieved way more than I have 

Life just deals us different cards and nobody is above mental illness.

On a lighter note , I did take some pictures at Aro. Even though half of my course mates were all about how the place needed a ‘face lift’ , making it look really modern. Aro has this aura of serenity 




Yes there are lots of trees at Aro  


I would have loved to take pictures of few old stone houses I saw. They had chimneys, gardens surrounded by lots of trees. I thought they were beautiful and my friend was like “Ehen Olivia won’t you take a picture, see the kind of thing you like. But we had gotten to a dead end and it was super dark and it felt like a scene from a horror movie. No lie.


But this picture is my favourite for some reason. I always found myself looking for this very gray door with the stairs everyday. 
5. Art of Breathing 

Sometimes, all you need to do is breathe. Just breathe. I remember during this semester at some point I had a long week and I decided one afternoon I was just going to watch a movie and sleep. I get to my bed and it is soaked. Apparently someone (me) had left water on the bed and it was everywhere. My pillow, wrapper. I stared at it and I just put my head down. My whole body was ready to channel the physical, emotional and academic stress of the past few weeks into anger. And my friend is hovering around me “Olivia are you crying, it would dry”. I raise my head up and I’m like I can’t kill my self 

Load work of assignments, final year project, uncertainty in career choice, relationship/ situation-ship , uncertainty in various areas of life … breathe because no lies. If I don’t breathe I will die and I know I’m not going out like this 
6. Pretty Bubble also known as Personal Space 

Which some people choose to poke and poke and continue poking . Like people don’t even poke anymore on Facebook why are you doing this!!!!!!! No I don’t want breathe, I want you to learn to respect this invisible pretty bubble that you can’t see but you know exists. Sometimes you have to tell them I need a little time or space to myself, don’t touch me, my things, my parts because just don’t. This bubble is pink and bubbly don’t unbubble the bubbliness I beg you . 

Sometimes you can’t .

You just can’t 

Back to Life, Back to Hope

When you sit down hugging your knees rocking  yourself

With tears running down your cheeks

You silently call on someone, anyone to help you

But your voice is slightly above a whisper

Baby girl, talk your way through it

Say it with me “I’ll be fine”

Say it slowly, repeatedly

And when depression tries to mock your growing faith

Shake your head and say it loudly “I’ll be fine!” repeatedly

In that dark corner, in your room, in your closet, on your bathroom floor

In your mind

Hugging your knees with tears on your face

Rock yourself back to life, back to hope

Nne ama m , but speak life to yourself

Tell depression “I’ll be fine!”
– for September 10

Rants 101

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about a brick that hit me early that morning. Yes a brick from nowhere did hit me. I was making a lil salad mix for work because I had the urge to eat healthy ( unless Big Treat stops making those Sponge Cakes I’m never going to survive a diet)


Yes that was the brick.

Yes I doubt myself a lot. I think about things going wrong and not the way I plan. I use to be 17 going 18 and worried about how I haven’t achieved anything. Now I’m 19 going 20 and still worried that I had no clue about life and living on my own.

This is me I’m too far from perfect. I haven’t even started the journey

I hardly leave my house so please don’t make plans with me. If you have and the response was positive I’m sorry you bought a lie because I will flee .I forget to eat sometimes but when I remember I take my time to eat like a fool

No my skin isn’t flawless. I’ve got a palm tree plantation on my face. We produce wonderful dirty oil.

Yes my nose has got Jackson 5 nostrils. I’ll like to think I’ve got hot sauce in my bag swagggg

When I see something I want I don’t own it. Because we have this thing we do in my society, it’s called conform I think.

Yes I like to read about serial killers. I find books about crime, FBI agents and serial killers really exciting.

No I don’t ever get relationships right because I’m not #Goals , I don’t know how to ‘fight  for what you love’ . I ain’t doing that shit, nahhhh fam 😒.  Anyone who leaves gives me a little ‘constructive criticism’

“You’re too uptight”

“You’re not exciting”

“You’re not sensitive”

“Do you feel at all”

“You’re not romantic”

“I don’t know what it is with you, is it pride or what”

I remember telling my friend that I’m probably going to be that friend who has been single since like forever but continues to serve face in every goddamn group picture (does were the exact words). When I’m on a high, I’m on a high high but when I’m on a low I could go lower than rock bottom. I cry myself to sleep and end the day. I cry myself to start a day. During a class, church service, mid way during a conversation or when you wake up in morning; these emotions can hit you anytime. But I would not come over and sit and tell you how much I’m hurting over a box of tissues.

I would proudly say I fallen in love. Possibility.

I would proudly say I’ve suffered heart break *puts hand on forehand and sighs dramatically*

In case I forgot to mention *clears throat* I am the queen of drama 👸🏾. You have never come across a drama queen more dramatic than I am. I actually feel Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland is my cartoon spirit animal

Just today I have had someone give me a lecture about knowing what ‘type of husband ‘ I want. Just mins ago another person dropped a wedding card on my desk. Every morning during devotion my mother ‘commits’ my future husband into the hands of  God. Even though I did mention to her one time that I’m not sure I was going to get married.

All I can say at this point in my life is I’m learning to accept myself as who I am. Accepting myself as someone who doesn’t have this puzzle figured out. This time I’m not giving myself a time frame to figure it out or to heal. I’m learning not to hurry myself so that I don’t trip. I’m learning that forgiveness, genuine forgiveness does a lot to your soul and  surprisingly gives you this peace that is unexplainable sometimes.

I’m learning to reveal my truth but guard me.

Not to lie about what I feel not even to myself. Not to force things, let them come naturally. I haven’t gotten all figured out.I still doubt me. But I’m learning