It’s been a while since we had our heart felt conversations. They were the things that kept me going. I miss them a lot. I have missed you. In this few months we have spent apart, lots of things have happened. To me and to you. I’m not really sure, is it that the change we craved for isn’t what we really needed? We used to wish that one day we would be somewhere where we would start afresh. Meet new people, make new first impressions and see what life was like outside what we were used to. We left people we never wanted to leave behind… we lost people we never thought we would lose… we fought battles we never thought we would fight… we cried tears we never thought we would cry.
You remember those days we would lay down and just dream? I do and I know you do. I miss those days. Then we would talk about how our day went, school, people we didn’t like, music, books we read.. life in general. We talked about the mistakes we made, the “if-I-had” but we never had regrets. People thought we were boring. We knew we were but we didn’t care. We would listen to radio shows; Douglas and Osi. Every night we would tune in and listen to people talk. We never had the courage to call .The days we didn’t feel like talking we would just listen to music. You always had beautiful taste in music, you still do. Our silence were the words we spoke.
At night, the dark was our hiding place. The one place we could talk freely, shed all the tears we had been holding… express the emotions we didn’t know how to express around other people. If certain people knew how we felt about them, would things be different now? I guess we might never find out. The feelings we couldn’t express verbally we wrote down. I still have that notebook… I designed it myself remember? Remember the future we had planned for ourselves? Didn’t we dream big. We always talked about, we were never shy to say them out loud. Now I can’t … I’m afraid people would laugh. I’m afraid they won’t understand and laugh at the dreams we had. Yes… yes they still judge. People always judge. It’s just sad that you aren’t here to hold my hand and let me to turn a deaf ear
Sleep. Did we sleep at night? Not until our thoughts were done wandering and we felt asleep not listening to our minds. I still have trouble sleeping that’s why I’m writing you this letter by 4:01am. I already wrote two aritles before this. I wonder if writing you this letter would give me the peace of mind I crave. Mother said I should pray, she tells me that everytime we talk. She said God should be first above all things and that I shouldn’t forget that. Been a while since I had a deep convo with God. We all need God in our lives you would always say. He did see us through lots of things… lots of things people would never imagine we went through.
Surrounded by people yet sometimes I feel lonely. Cool story yeah? I wonder if change causes you to look deeper or is it just me. Maybe I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was. Or was it just sudden that I couldn’t handle it well. Pity life doesn’t send memos before the unexpected happens. You know I had never been the type to ask for help. Even though I wanted someone to. Now I live a life where people expect you to say ” I need help” ” I need that” ” I need this”. Some things are hard to do when you’ve never been used to them. Baby steps… I know. What if I don’t want to take those steps; baby steps or big steps. Maybe I don’t want to change or should I? I would hate to lose the old me, the old me I had grown too comfortable with. Will change make me different in a way I don’t like or am I just afraid?
I wish you were here. Sometimes I feel I’m around people who will never understand me no matter how hard they try . Though, there might be two or three people who might but I still want you here. Here with me when I’m lonely, when I cry, when I’m hurting, when nothing seems right. I’m afraid things will happen again. I don’t want to go back to that time, I can’t. I refuse to.. but what if it happens? I hate what I’m feeling right now, I don’t want to feel like this. Care free and happy; I miss that. Like that Passenger song…only know you’ve been high when you’ve feeling low.
I talk to our friends sometimes. Not often as I want to. I miss them a lot.
I miss them, I miss her… I miss him.
I’ll be strong. For you, for them… for me. I know you would want that. I should try and sleep now. I’m smiling baby and its a big ass smile. I might be okay by the time I write my next letter… I might not be okay. Whether I am or not.. I’ll be fine.