She was the cool one. The one who wasn’t bothered by what people or the rest of the family thought. She had the perfect make-up I wished I had, the expensive taste I would like to afford, the style I wanted, the piercings I didn’t have the liver to bear the pain,the length of weave I craved, the skin tone I envied. She attended the ‘parties’, went to the ‘places’, lived life like she was young ..and yes she was young. Let’s say I sort of looked up to her. People said things… that she had gone wild, that she had to much freedom and her mother should have not let her be far from her at a young age. I didn’t see it that way, I saw it has given the freedom to be your true self. Right to expression. ” Don’t be like her” ” You were raised better” “People look up to you”. So they talked… I admired in secret.
I was the boring one. Went to school, got good grades. Never attended parties, the longest weave I ever had was 18 inches which my mother felt was too long. I never got to do exciting things, doubt I ever had a wild ‘adventure’. I was the one who stayed at home to babysit, watch series and wish I was living the life I saw on television. I practically never left my house. It was school-church-cousin’s house-back to the house. Did eveything the family said… I would go to school, graduate, get a job, get married, have children, have a 9-5 job and retire when I’m old and babysit my grand-children. Like it was always written in a book and no matter my hidden wild streak, that was how my life could end up.
Sometimes I wonder if after the parties were over, hair packed into a bun, make-up wiped off, expensive clothes replaced with an over sized tee…if she felt the way I feel. Confused..not sure what she wanted in life anymore, if she sometimes wanted to run away, start all over again, close her eyes and wake up in a different place…or not even waking up again. Most of all, if she felt lonely even though surrounded by people. If she felt like screaming and being angry at everything and everyone. Does she ask herself the ‘what if’ questions? Does she have regrets? Actions or thoughts she will like to take back? Did she have this one boy she really liked but things just didn’t work out? Does he still call her up and they talk for hours like they were still together? Does she let her mind wander at night or let the emotions flow out and cry? Does she search for peace… because I do.
Feelings of helplessness with no idea of what is going on. Running away from what she doesn’t know but can’t face. Hiding from the truth…because I do.
I still admire her though. And I wonder what it will feel like to walk in her shoes, but I have a feeling walking in her stilettos would feel like walking in my flats.