Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about a brick that hit me early that morning. Yes a brick from nowhere did hit me. I was making a lil salad mix for work because I had the urge to eat healthy ( unless Big Treat stops making those Sponge Cakes I’m never going to survive a diet)
Yes that was the brick.
Yes I doubt myself a lot. I think about things going wrong and not the way I plan. I use to be 17 going 18 and worried about how I haven’t achieved anything. Now I’m 19 going 20 and still worried that I had no clue about life and living on my own.
This is me I’m too far from perfect. I haven’t even started the journey
I hardly leave my house so please don’t make plans with me. If you have and the response was positive I’m sorry you bought a lie because I will flee .I forget to eat sometimes but when I remember I take my time to eat like a fool
No my skin isn’t flawless. I’ve got a palm tree plantation on my face. We produce wonderful dirty oil.
Yes my nose has got Jackson 5 nostrils. I’ll like to think I’ve got hot sauce in my bag swagggg
When I see something I want I don’t own it. Because we have this thing we do in my society, it’s called conform I think.
Yes I like to read about serial killers. I find books about crime, FBI agents and serial killers really exciting.
No I don’t ever get relationships right because I’m not #Goals , I don’t know how to ‘fight for what you love’ . I ain’t doing that shit, nahhhh fam 😒. Anyone who leaves gives me a little ‘constructive criticism’
“You’re too uptight”
“You’re not exciting”
“You’re not sensitive”
“Do you feel at all”
“You’re not romantic”
“I don’t know what it is with you, is it pride or what”
I remember telling my friend that I’m probably going to be that friend who has been single since like forever but continues to serve face in every goddamn group picture (does were the exact words). When I’m on a high, I’m on a high high but when I’m on a low I could go lower than rock bottom. I cry myself to sleep and end the day. I cry myself to start a day. During a class, church service, mid way during a conversation or when you wake up in morning; these emotions can hit you anytime.
But I would not come over and sit and tell you how much I’m hurting over a box of tissues.
I would proudly say I fallen in love. Possibility.
I would proudly say I’ve suffered heart break *puts hand on forehand and sighs dramatically*
In case I forgot to mention *clears throat* I am the queen of drama 👸🏾. You have never come across a drama queen more dramatic than I am. I actually feel Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland is my cartoon spirit animal
Just today I have had someone give me a lecture about knowing what ‘type of husband ‘ I want. Just mins ago another person dropped a wedding card on my desk. Every morning during devotion my mother ‘commits’ my future husband into the hands of God. Even though I did mention to her one time that I’m not sure I was going to get married.
All I can say at this point in my life is I’m learning to accept myself as who I am. Accepting myself as someone who doesn’t have this puzzle figured out. This time I’m not giving myself a time frame to figure it out or to heal. I’m learning not to hurry myself so that I don’t trip. I’m learning that forgiveness, genuine forgiveness does a lot to your soul and surprisingly gives you this peace that is unexplainable sometimes.
I’m learning to reveal my truth but guard me.
Not to lie about what I feel not even to myself. Not to force things, let them come naturally. I haven’t gotten all figured out.I still doubt me. But I’m learning